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Because nothing ever changes right? And that we all need love to survive.
That's bullshit. But I live the same way. It bothers me that I cannot control what I feel. I have this fire living within me that keeps on burning and sometimes it gets out of my control. It's weird. My mind says I'm okay, I'm totally fine; I'm doing alright. My goddamned heart drags on its drama thirsting for attention. I hate it. I hate everything that I am.
The other day I met a worker from an old restaurant I used to work with. She invited me for lunch, I had the evening free so I agreed. We settled at a well-known place outside the city. I went out to make a few phone calls and was back within less than 10 minutes. When I was about to sit down, she said: "Hey, I remember you like beef bourguignon so I ordered it for you. What do you want to drink?" I was like, what? I mean, I'm not mad. In fact, I was glad she remembered something I said years ago. But why did I have that burning feeling again? Like, it doesn't like it when someone does something without its consent or against its will. It's crazy, man, it really is. In my mind, I know damn well it's no biggie. It's nothing to argue about. She was just being nice. Don't be like that. I kept telling myself to sit down because there was something inside rushing me to get out of there.
Fortunately, I sat down and managed to let out a smile. I said thank you and proceeded to order from the wine menu. I left my card to the server while pretending to go to the loo. She left the tips. We both left satisfied with the food. It was good catching up with old people that I enjoyed having them around. She told me she was working as a higher-up position at a hospital and that if I needed anything, don't hesitate to give her a call. I was grateful but I don't think I would do such thing.
She is a good person, she is too good for me. She deserves a better friend than me. |
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