[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

"Don't get involved."

I have been telling myself million of times, *, do not get involved. Every time people seem nice to me, that goes out of the window. Fucking dumb aren't I?

A few days ago, I had a mental breakdown while I was working. My brain went blank and could not function. I grabbed my car key and ran outside. Sobbing like crazy in the car. Could barely breathe. Damn it. That was the second time I let my emotion run loose at workplace. After calming myself down, I went back inside and started working again.

Those days were not fun to think back. Her telling me that story sort of triggered my memories and all of those forbidden feelings rushed out.

ver219

Aigooo, mệt mỏi quá. Buồn ngủ và chóng mặt. Tôi muốn lăn lên giường và ngủ một giấc dài đến sáng hôm sau đi làm. Lại một ngày dài trôi qua và tôi chỉ muốn bỏ hết mọi thứ và chạy trốn khỏi nơi này thôi...

Tạm biệt, mai ta lại gặp nhau.

ver219

That target is one of a kind.

Honestly, one of many things I dislike is that bumping into people I know outside my workplace or school and stuff. And tonight, I met two of them. I was browsing in store for something healthy to drink since I was feeling hungry but did not want to eat anything because it was quite late. That was when I saw David. David was one of my old classmate from high school. The one thing I remembered about him was that he threw a helmet toward my direction and it hit my head. I know, it's a long story, I'll get to it when there is a chance. Anyways, fortunately I had my hat on and immediately pushed my cart away. I waited for him to check out then proceeded to load my stuff into my car. I was on my phone when I saw two figures walking towards me. That was when I saw Henry. Henry was my coworker. He and his girlfriend were walking to their car which parked opposite to mine. I slipped out a curse, turned the engine on and drove away. Phew, Henry would probably ask me tomorrow about it, I knew too well to just deny all claims.

ver219

Crush? Not really.

A guy who worked with me made me think he had a crush on me. He treated me differently from other people. He was exceptionally kind to me. But, to my surprise, a girl who also worked with me, told me that she knew he liked her and she sort of liked him back too. I was caught off guard, frankly. They started coming to me for advice and low-key asked me to hook them up. I was stuck in between my own feelings and my dignity. At first, I felt a deep betrayal that I was not the one he needed. I doubted my own judgment and was depressed for days. He and I went out twice and I thought there was something special between us but maybe I was wrong. Learned it the hard way by the way. After a long night, I decided to confront him. I asked him the next day if he had feelings for the girl. He gave me that look of frightening and being busted, that I knew too damn well the answer I always wanted to know. I hooked them up, in the end. I know, I was being a coward but you know what? Isn't that all about? Sacrificing for others? Maybe I was just being stupid, maybe that was just who I was you know?

Whenever I saw them working together and smiling at each other, a little hole inside my body gradually became bigger and bigger. I just felt this sharp pain and I wanted to throw up. I did not mention anything about the other to him or her when I talked to them. It was short but it was something. It was a blur but it was there. Whatever the truth was or whatever the reasons for him to treat me like that, I didn't appreciate the fact that he was fucking toying with my feelings.

ver219

Recently I have been living a really unhealthy life.

I smoke too often. I used to smoke only 2 or 3 cigarettes in a week or so. I smoked too little I don't even consider myself a smoker. But now, I smoke too often. Like almost a pack per day can hardly satisfy my need.

I eat nothing but snacking. I used to get up early making breakfast. I loved having a bowl of oatmeal topped with fresh fruit and finished with peanut butter drizzle. A cup of warm non-dairy milk and making plan ahead to start my day are my two favorite things I wanted to wake up to. But now, I go straight to work without having breakfast. I eat whatever leftover in my workplace's refrigerator like donuts, cheesecakes, Hershey's kisses etc. I am stupidly destroying my metabolism. I feel sluggish and not as light as before.

I sleep too little. The average hours of sleeping of mine was 7 to 8 hours most nights. I woke up feeling fresh and content. But now, I barely reach 4. I come home around midnight after work. Passed out until 20 minutes prior to working time the next morning. No breakfast is served as I mentioned before.

I neglected my intellectual path. Used to spend hours and cups of coffee on editing papers and reading books. But now, *chuckle*.

To make the matter worse, my weight has been really unstable and one of my limbs is paralyzed when I sit down for too long. I don't feel good everyday waking up. The very first thing that comes to my mind every time I open my eyes every morning is that I honestly do not want to get out of bed and start my day. I wish I can stay in my room for weeks. I want to starve myself. I want to punish myself for not being good.

I want to end them all.

ver219

What is it?

Is it seasonal depression? Why do you come again?

I have a guy friend. The only guy friend. He broke up with his girlfriend less than a month ago because she cheated on him with her ex boyfriend. He has been depressed as fuck ever since. I tried to text him, no reply. I tried to call him, no answer. I am fucking worried now. He is a fucking dumbass who keeps bitching about life while I want to save him. Idiot.

Do you know how much I care for you? Do you know the lengths I will go just to see your smile? Friend, do you know?

All you know now is her. All you can think of is having conversations with her in your fucking rotten brain. All you can do is sitting outside where she works under fucking cold weather at 2 in the morning. I came running to you after 14 hours of working dead tired as fuck. You took me for granted, you ignorant fuck. Fuck you. Get your shit together. My life is too much of a burden and I have to take up your shit as well? I have done so much for you and all I got back was seen messages and missed phone calls. Do I deserve any of these, dickhead?

I am fucking exhausted. Conversation drains all my energy. I just want to end it all, friend, do you understand? Where the fuck are you when I need you the most? Friend, tell me. What do I have to do to lessen the pain I am suffering? Am I even your friend or just some fucking bitch in and out of your life because I am not her? Answer me, you fucking ungrateful bastard. Goddamn it. Fuck all of you.

ver219

Xin lỗi... Mấy nay xông xáo quá...

Dạo gần đây không khoẻ lắm. Tự dưng bị nhức đầu mà không hiểu vì sao. Cũng không phải bệnh cảm hay gì, mà chỉ cảm thấy muốn ngủ thôi. Muốn ngủ cả ngày. Tớ có thể ngủ ngày này qua ngày khác mà không ăn không uống gì cả. Mỗi khi tớ tỉnh là tớ chỉ muốn tìm cái gì bỏ bụng cho đỡ chán. Thật sự không tốt cho sức khoẻ chút nào, nhưng biết làm sao bây giờ... Tớ ghét bản thân mình quá...

ver219

Đỉnh điểm rồi.

Tôi đã mất kiểm soát của cuộc đời mình một lần nữa.

Cho tôi một tuần trốn trong phòng thôi được không? : )

ver219

Hi friend,

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now to be honest. It seems like everything I touch either running away from me or being chased away by me. Things started a month ago when my mom and dad tried to hook me up with this guy. It's a really long and weird story to begin with. I'll tell you guys later, maybe tomorrow when I feel better. Better than right now. I'm just really tired. I have no energy and no self-control. I honestly just want to get under my warm blanket and fall asleep... Alright. I'll see you all around. Hope you guys live the lives you want and no bad dreams at night. Love, xo.

ver219

After sleeping on the thought of exposing someone for a few days, I have come to a realization that maybe it happened because the blame should have been on me. Nothing ever goes smoothly in my life. I know very well though, just fail every time to cease from surprising.

I have not been able to sleep for the last two days. I miss T, N and K quite pretty much. They probably are not thinking about me, I know. It was a mistake letting them into my life, wasn't it?

My eyelids are shutting down from exhaustion. I promise myself to really take great care of myself because I have to go back to work in two days. Tomorrow is my last day off and I need to make the most out of it.

I miss them a lot.

Like really.