[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

Hey look! It's another year. What's next, another one?

Streets were as cold as I expected. Or anyone expected on the last day of December. Dark clouds covered the sky in a messy mind. I saw no exit. I turned my car around but it was another dead end. I put on my emergency lights and got out of the car. The streets were empty, no sight of humans, pedestrian signal still flashing. I looked around for a glimpse of hope. But hope was running out of time and I didn't have much left. Then I felt cold, a sudden rush of adrenaline pumping through my body, I sat down hugging my head. It was coming. The silence, the shadows, all the signs were there. Leaving the car with the engine on, I frantically ran in different directions and looked for an escape. Where was I? Why was I all alone? I opened my mouth to scream. But the sound came out of it wasn't mine. It sounded foreign, monster-like. A dying animal with a bleeding wound. Left in the gutter.

It's here.

ver219

I haven't been honest with myself. I've been telling myself lies over and over again. This isn't out of ordinary. This is a daily thing.

I haven't been honest with them. I've been telling them that I'm doing okay. This is out of ordinary. This isn't a daily thing. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to pour my guts out and say: "No, look at my eyes. Do you see life? Do you see how pale I have become? How lifeless my face reflects? I'm just dying here. Little by little." But this is out of ordinary. I don't do complicated. I don't do confrontation. I hide myself in my room, rotting away. I hide my distorted brain in a cupboard, my poor heart in the last drawer of my desk. Throbbing bit by bit, until I shut out all the noises. All the voices. All the lies. All the pain. All of me.  

ver219

It's the growing up that fucks people up.
It's the lack of guidance, lost opportunities, and traumatized life.
It's the missing of human interactions.
Real, genuine talks. Platonic wants of each other. Mutual trust and respect.
The nation abandons its own people.
The society neglects its own infantries.

ver219

Hi, thank you for checking in. I'm still a piece of garbage. The most emotionally ill-equipped individual you've ever met. Still doing barely fine by the way, thanks for asking. Health has declined as usual and probably will hit rock bottom anytime soon. Do I care? Nope. Hehe. This life is killing me. This life is eating me alive. But will I do anything about it? No. Hehe. Life is short. Why should I do anything, nay, anyone do anything for this fucked up life is mine and mine alone?

ver219

Oh hey we're almost done with March. Has it been three years since the pandemic? Already? Woa, time does fly and hurts like a bitch, huh? Anyway, quick update on my life. Still the same misery drags me down the drain and it's actually been raining the last couple of days with no sign of ceasing which adds a literal sense of abandoned miserable dog in the heavy rain. Although to be fair, I do have someone to hang out with now, well, not in person actually. We chat everyday about nothing in particular, harmless flirting and whatnot. Though they don't know how excruciating it is for me to wake up every morning and pretend nothing happens and that my life is such a good one that I can take in all their problems. Teehee. Health-wise, you know the drill. Work? Umm I'm trying. Not them. They um, they're being very obnoxious about it and not really going to do anything unless I give them the ultimatum. Which I did. And now we wait. Life in general? Shitty. Cheers!

ver219

The lightless windows' curtains left open
windless, moonless night greeted
strands of hair whispered.

I've been sleeping on my side of bed
I didn't know my place
Shouldn't have let it
happened.

Never should have started.

ver219

Where does this anger come from?
Has it always been inside of me?
The precipitate outburst out of nowhere,
crushing the weight of guilt and shamefulness
on me.

ver219

I'm having a crush on this guy and I'm crushing him hard. God knows I'm making a big mistake but it's a mistake I have to make so that I can tell myself later that I'm such a blind lover. Life is good. Bye.

ver219

Yo, feeling like dying but still have to work. feeling like crushing from the pressure of life and still have to show up every morning. feeling like rotting from the inside and still have to walk another sunny day. feeling like someone is standing behind me with a bat and so hope that they fucking bash my head inwards. life's so shitty.

ver219

life's so shitty to the point of breaking down is not a mental thing and a daily thing anymore, it's turning physical, it's violently deteriorating. life's so shitty to the point of lies and avoidance, blackouts and heartbreaks, outbursts of agony and inherent disappointment.

anyway, I'm picking up a friend from the airport tomorrow. probably taking them out for dinner and call it a week. goddamn tired.