[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

Let me
say it plain: I loved someone
and I failed at it. Let me
say it another way: I like to call myself wound
but I will answer to knife.
Sometimes I think we have the same name,
Notquitelove.

ver219

‘relationships are work’ means ‘you have to put effort into loving each other intentionally & learning how to love each other and communicating properly’ not ‘your relationship makes you feel stressed and sad most of the time & the other person disrespects you and treats you bad but you stay anyway’

I feel called out by the way.

ver219

But I can't look at him, can hardly speak, I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons,

What no one tells you about grief is that you don't want to figure out a way to live with it - you want the part of you that hurts to die instead.

I made myself a promise: even if it meant becoming a stranger to my loved ones, even if it means keeping secrets, I would have a life of my own.

Maybe his terror is not of dying, or even of death, but of some cry he has kept inside him all his life.

ver219

Should I do a sum up of this year just for the sake of it? I do have a lot to say and also because I haven't been able to talk about what happened for the last few months. It irks the hell out of me not jotting it down, so... Maybe I'll put a note here and come back to finish it off in a few hours because as in right now, a good deep sleep is in order.

ver219

My right ear is on a phone call with my mom, left ear is listening to a stream, right hand typing away on my laptop and left hand has my two day old coffee. Another toxic trait of mine is that I always multitask while I can just put everything down and hear my mom talking away her day. It feels weird not being busy and all relaxed. I have been reading books for the last few days instead of coming to work. I blocked all contacts except family, bought enough supplies for the next few days. This is just how I cope with betrayal from my loved one lmao.

ver219

Shit, I'm doing it again. Laptop showing python, phone playing stock market podcast, hand writing down what to buy for groceries. Like, come one, can't you just do one thing at a time for once? This is why you never get things done and half-ass most of them. Also, I'm having the worst headache and fairly high fever but instead of laying down in bed to rest, I'm sitting in my desk and work away my feelings lmao. This is what heartbreaks do to you. It drives you crazy to the point you have to work yourself to dead tired and forget thinking about him. Asshole.

ver219

Tuesday morning and I've already got two panic attacks. Yesterday was three so that's 5 in total in a span of two days. I barely left the house or talked to anyone. Been laying in bed crying, having headache and high fever. Seasonal depression ain't fun no more. Now comes the migraine. Now comes the bad news. Now comes the pain. Now comes the time I have to leave this place. Now comes the moment I have been waiting for. Take it. Take it by your own hand. Fuck you. Fuck the fucking world. Fuck every little thing that makes me emotionally wrecked. Fuck me. Why am I like this. Why the fuck am I being like this.

ver219

Yeah, he's not texting me back. I left him two messages prior planning to meet him later tonight. But I don't think if it's the right move to confront him when he's trying to avoid me. I know he read the texts but I can't think of a reason why he's not replying. Did something happen to him or his family? Was it something I said? What other people said? Did you have a change of heart? Why aren't you saying anything to me? Am I bothering you? Did I do something wrong? Why can't you tell me? If you need time and space, tell me. If you don't want to talk or see me ever again, tell me. You don't say anything and I'm just sitting here assuming things. And we both know what's going to happen when I'm left with my own thoughts. So please, give me a sign. Any sign. Any thing at all. Don't be quiet and hope things will go back to normal. It won't. I want us to be on talking terms. I don't want to lose you.

ver219

How to not cry when you want to:
1. Go to sleep and fight the urge; if non applicable:
2. Go to a crowded mall and cry behind your mask because thank you "masks are mandatory"
3. Talk with a stranger in a coffee shop and watch his face in terror when he sees tears rolling down from your face
4. Walk under the rain because fuckers can't differentiate tears and raindrops
5. Show up to work unexpected, demand to have the shift, work until tired then cry on your way back home
6. Call up your good friend and ask them if they have the mental space for you; if non applicable:
7. Drive to his workplace, watch him from your car, and cry the fuck out.
8. If non of the above applicable, cry anyway because nothing forced.

ver219

Lmao. I am THE joke aren't I.
This is what you get for playing with feelings; you catch 'em.
And now you freak out because, for old time's sake, it conforms to the pattern you've always been on.
Life has failed me again.
Happy Holidays everyone.