[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

For the last few days I have been having extremely high fever and barely made it out of bed. I could not take any medicine to calm down the heat. Since any chemicals entering my body would turn into a dangerous weapon that make the situation worse than it already had been.

But I survived anyways.

I don't know if she is honestly stupid or she is just ignoring all the signs I have given her. With all prior conversations, I clearly do not mention or talk about the subject, but she just insists on having an answer right there and then. What the hell? Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve told her already that I want nothing to do with that place or people who are working there anymore. So, the fact that she took the liberty to ask upon myself is inconsiderate. Stop pushing it on me when it is you who want to know the answer so badly.

ver219

I've been dreaming about you for the last month.

I stopped smoking, drinking and talking to people because they were not you. I saw you in everyone I met, in everything I did. I wondered what you were doing right now. You were probably working right now, or you could just sleep the day away.

I wondered if you missed me the way I missed you.

ver219

I got surrounded with people I don't know and the language I'm not familiar with. On my laptop typing away my exhaustion and hoping it would go away.

Đau lưng quá...

ver219

"Cửu trú tâm đã đạt đến cảnh giới chuyên chú nhất thú, bởi vậy nên một ý niệm sẽ thành thần, một ý niệm sẽ thành ma.

Cái gọi là Cưu trú tâm chính là chín cấp tu tập Thiền định. Tức là nội trú, đẳng trú, an trú, cận trú, điều thuận, tịch tĩnh, tối cực tịch tĩnh, chuyên chú nhất thú và đẳng đãi.

Nếu như nội tâm của một người đạt đến cảnh giới chuyên chú nhất thú, vậy thì tâm đã an trú, bách loạn bất xâm. Vậy thì là ma hay là thần cũng chẳng có gì khác biệt. Chỉ tuỳ vào sở thích của người đó, muốn trở thành gì thi sẽ trở thành đó. Còn nếu Cửu trú tâm đã đạt đến cảnh giới đẵng đãi thì lại càng là một cảnh giới mới. Thế gian chỉ có Phật Tổ ở Tây Thiên Phạn Cảnh đã tu luyện đến cảnh giới này. Ngộ ra chúng sinh tức là Phật Đà, Phật Đà chính là chúng sinh."

tnhi3012

서로를 증오하고 혐오하는데에 시간 을 쏟고
그 끝에 남는것은 무엇일까...

ver219

And I've been made the whole time.

It has been officially two months now and it was not that bad as I expected it would be. Though the thanking part was mostly because I separated myself from it, getting swarmed by work and other things was the main point in this recovery.

I have always told myself the rare possibility of me being better is like finding needle in a haystack, living in denial has its part in contributing to the darkness circulating around my whole life. I actually want to stop myself from admitting this, but it is what it is, the fact that I am getting ahead from my miserable past is oddly uncanny and bothersome in someway to me.

It has always been dark, gloomy, and dry. It has never seen the colorful welcome banner hanging in the living room. It has never happened. But it has never been wanted. So let it be. Let it be the way it wants, adores what it lays its eyes on, hums to whatever rhythm its ears have caught. No complaints shall be made and no sleepless nights should ever invade.

And since I've been made the whole time, I was indeed the ignorant and truly foolish one.

ver219

"It won't be like what you imagine. Maybe you get the road trip to the beach with coffee in your hand and the radio playing, maybe you don't. But happy shows up. It's in a 2AM game of jenga with your new college friends. It's curling up for another marathon of Netflix. It's meeting the person who will be your best man at the wedding. It's 4:45PM in the library when the girl in the study coral across from you quietly whispers "I'm going to set everything on fire" and then turns to you and asks if you wanna take a break for dinner (say yes, she's very nice and you both need a moment away from the stress). It's the mornings they have omelettes and in good books and in a puddle that look cool. It's sometimes picturesque, but more often it's full-belly laughter at stupid things on the floor of your friend's house while in the background someone is debating the best way to win settlers of catan.

I know it gets dark early now and the tired is getting in and everything sort of feels blank and hazy and you want to spend ages staring at walls thinking of nothing.

But happiness will find a way in. It will be small moments. Look for them."

ver219

It comes to a point where I don't really care anymore, and it's not a bad thing to start with. I have been going out of my character due to the fact it was not easy to deal with various sorts of people. The stress went in like a high speed formula 1 and suddenly engine off, I fell forwards into a dark abyss screaming in void. What went through my head? I had no idea. But if there was any, probably the thought I would be debt free would sooth my pain at that moment. I never tended to be who I am today, I never wanted to really. Going to school, going to work, meeting people, parting people, struggling with life, balancing lives. Well, if you ask, I've had enough on my plate to even care for anything else. Maybe that's why I started not giving shit anymore. It's just too much to handle. Sometimes I do care for things I love, but the love I give is just unspoken feelings, they would know or they would never think the same way as I did about them. People would freak out to see me being passionate about mundane things to them, but things I care make their own reasons to be significantly important in my life. It was just really, really weird. I love something dearly, and the connection between us dropped dead. They always left me in questioning my own behavior whereas I cannot muster up the courage to find the answer. Were there answers for all those were happening? I fell into the rabbit hole and thought the time I spent suffering was something I deserve. And now I cannot stop blaming myself for everything. But do I really care? Not really. I used to though, like I was in a dark, very dark place. I thought I was dying. I had no one so there was no use in crying for help. No one told me this and I learned it the hard way, and there was no one to blame for, but once you start caring, you are already losing.

ver219

People are freaking out about the pandemic and I am sitting here thinking how the timing is just perfect for an introvert like me. The government recommended staying home and social distancing to limit the transmission of the virus. I mean, I have already been at home most of the time except when going out for personal business or groceries shopping. It does not really affect my routine as much whereas people are out fighting over toilet papers and bottled waters. It is understandable the worry that has been around the last few days but at least think about other people as well and not just be selfish by hoarding all three pallets of disinfectant wipes? Like are you being serious right now? What are you going to use all of them for? Wiping entire neighborhood? That's just ridiculous.

Also, for all the individuals who keep sharing videos of people getting line at retail stores online, fuck you. You people have been making my mom freaking out and she has been texting me like crazy asking if I have already bought food and water like every two hours. Stop making my mom worried sick. Because there are such videos that people go berserk and act like it is the end of the world. Just stay at home, avoid gatherings, listen to news from WHO, exercise safety precaution, you all will be fine.

All complaints aside, I have not been talked about my feelings recently and it has been bothering me big time. How am I feelings for the last few days? That is a difficult question, just like the other day when chef asked me how I was, I stood dead for a second and said "I honestly don't know, Chef." I was neither tired nor sad, just... empty? Like nothing excites me or anything to look forward to, just simply indifferent. But I'd rather being this way than getting swarmed with emotions, being overwhelmed for mishandling them and ending up hating myself all over again.

I don't know. I guess this is a phrase I have to go through in order to find my passion for living back again. I hope I either have the courage to cope with it or please just let me die in regrets, anger but whole.

Guilts driven.

ver219

Sàng tiền minh nguyệt quang,
Nghi thị địa thượng sương.
Cử đầu vọng minh nguyệt,
Đê đầu tư cố hương.

- 靜夜思

Nhật chiếu Hương Lô sinh tử yên,
Dao khan bộc bố quải tiền xuyên.
Phi lưu trực há tam thiên xích,
Nghi thị Ngân Hà lạc cửu thiên.

- 望廬山瀑布