[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

I have been ignoring the state of my mental health for the last few weeks but I don't care.

What date is it? I don't know.

Is that sunrise or sunset? I don't know.

Do I have work today? I don't know.

In fact, I don't really care anymore.

I sleep two days a week, three hours sleep each day. How am I going to be able to function properly like a normal person? It's not like I want to be like that, well, yes, I do want to torture myself a little bit because I hate the form I am in but it doesn't mean I want to sleep during the day and stay awake for the whole fucking night sitting in the corner spacing out.

I fall asleep when I get coffee. I fall asleep when the barista asking me how I like my coffee. Black, I said while fighting back the urge to close my eyes and fall onto the floor. I fall asleep when sitting in lecture hall writing bullshit in my notepad. I've fallen asleep for the last couples of years and I can't wait to sleep for good.

ver219

I'm sitting at a coffee shop which is located 40 minutes away from where I work. Yes. I ditched work and are running away from responsibility. I'm thinking of driving to the beach and watch the sunset but there is an important meeting tonight which requires my presence. I will probably need to be head back there and pretend to exist. I'm asking nicely to myself not to cause any more troubles and just stay put but it seems like it doesn't work out as I expect and it's okay. I'll get over.

I've met Josh the other day after weeks not talking to each other. It was painful at first to the point I could not hold it in. Time went by and it was just another little thing in my life. Worthless and a waste of time.

ARGH!! I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!

ver219

Ight, imma head out.

It has been so long since I last talked about what was going on with my life. I just didn't feel like it. It was weird. Really weird for me. I felt weird talking about it. About him. About her. About me. I don't know what I am doing with my life. People kept pushing me to the verge of killing myself but I am still here trying to make a living out of this hell hole. I told you I was sad. I told you I was tired and I wanted to die.

In fact, I wanted to tell you all of those but I could not bring myself to do it because I care for you. I did not want you to worry about me. I did not want to bother anyone. But at least, can you leave me alone? Can I unmeet you and disappear from your life?

Can I just start all over again?

ver219

Nghe thu buồn, những ngày trở gió
Những ngày mưa bay trắng xoá cả một đường
Vẫn như thường ngày, có cảnh vật luôn ở đó
Nhưng sao hôm nay bất giác thấy chợt buồn.

Về lại chốn xưa quen còn mang bao hoài niệm
Còn tương tư vài chuyện mà anh vốn chưa quên
Muốn bên nhau giữa đời, nhưng chẳng thể nữa rồi
Giờ đã có ai đó đón đưa em...

Có nghe hoa sữa, một mùi nồng nàn
Khắp nẻo đường kể từ ngày mà thu sang,
Nụ cười em ngày đó giờ đã hoá thanh âm
Là hoài niệm tâm trí anh còn ngân vang...

ver219

I've seen dark before
but not like this
this is cold
this is empty
this is numb
the life I knew is over
the lights are out
hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb.
.
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
the only star that guided me was you
how to rise from the floor
when it's not you I'm rising for?
.
When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?

ver219

Dạo này không còn gì để nói, cũng không có gì để nghĩ về. Sức khoẻ đang có xu hướng đi vào ngõ cụt. Ăn thì không ăn, toàn nhậu nhẹt hút thuốc. Chắc còn được vài năm nữa là chết mẹ được rồi.

Dù sao đi nữa, tồn tại cũng chỉ là sự lựa chọn.

ver219

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.

“Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”

ver219

What? Is it Christmas already?

Let's do a recap of what I have done so far this week. So on Monday, I woke up pretty late and had breakfast at home. I got out of the house around 4. Picked up my mails and attended a job interview at a law office. Afterwards I met up with Jane at the mall. Walked around to warm myself up since it was really cold. Jane came and we ate our dinner with her husband. Went home at 9 and slept at midnight. On Tuesday, I woke up extremely early since I needed to beat the line. Got in line and got everything done pretty much an hour and a half later. Drove to the bank to refile some documents and stopped by my old work place. Didn't get to meet who I want to meet so I drove back home. I had lunch at home then took a nap since I was an early bird in the morning. After washing my hair, I played with my phone. I did laundry, ate some chips while watching vlogs. It was raining so I put on multiple layers of clothes because I am no cap a biss who cannot stand being cold. I thought of going to have a late dinner at my favorite steakhouse. But because it is getting ridiculously colder, I need to think again. I really have to pick up my stuff before tomorrow though... I'll get to that later. Now, let's go to the next subject: V.

I contacted V this morning while being at the department. We did not chat much since I knew she was crazy busy always. She mentioned something horrible happened to her. I honestly had no idea how to comfort anyone and at that moment I felt like a loser. I wish I was good with words so I can ease her pain some how. Gosh, I wanted to be with her and gave her a tight hug.

ver219

I'm sorry but I'm so pissed right now.

I mean you could at least send me an email requesting my confirmation before deciding yourself to continue the contract. I'm a busy person. I don't sit at home and track my bank account every day. I have to go about my day and ain't nobody have time for this shit. All you have to do is send an email and that's all. But you did not. What the hell? That ain't proper and transparent business. That's shady shit right there. I lost five month worth of money to you without gaining any benefits from it. I'm boycotting you company. That's bullshit. Give me back my money dude.

ver219

I smoked my last cigarette of the year.

Someone I know was feeling down because of something had happened to her yesterday. I thought of meeting her briefly would make her feel better so I drove to her workplace and waited. She came out surprised and we went to grab a cup of coffee. It was past dinner time but who'd care. We chatted for a while before parting. I bought some snacks and booze to celebrate the new year. On the way home, I stopped by my old company. I did not go in though, just stood outside and smoked a cigarette. It was exactly a month since I last had my cigarette. I took a drag on the cigarette, my last cigarette of the year, and then crushed the butt inside my cup of coffee. I am going cold turkey next year so let me be. I leaned against my car and simply looked at the well-lit windows. My mind went blank for thirty minutes or so, then I drove home.

I took a shower and had my last small indulgence before the countdown.