ver219 Tại 9-10-2019 07:41:13

Y rất thích nghịch tóc. Cứ mỗi lần Y làm về, Y đều lủi thủi đến ngồi bên cạnh tôi. Tay Y vuốt nhẹ từ trên đỉnh đầu xuống chân tóc một cách chậm rãi. Tôi cứ mặc Y nghịch trong khi mình tập trung làm việc.

Tiếng lách cách từ bàn phím vang lên không ngừng nghỉ.

Y luồn năm ngón tay vào tóc tôi rồi gãi nhẹ. Thỉnh thoảng Y lại gom tóc tôi lại rồi trổ tài cột tóc. Cột chán, Y lại gỡ ra. Y thích cuốn vào ngón tay Y từng lọn tóc rồi giật nhẹ. Y biết rõ rằng tôi không thể nào cưỡng lại được sự thoải mái mà Y mang lại.

Và cứ thế tôi tựa đầu vào vai Y rồi đánh một giấc ngủ.

Mọi thứ đều đều đặn một tiết tấu: Tiếng thở; tiếng tim đập; lồng ngực Y nhấp nhô.

Và tôi lại cứ thế yên bình chìm vào Y.

ver219 Tại 11-10-2019 07:04:18

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Does he like me or does he not? Is he toying with my feelings or that's just me? Am I hallucinating or I'm not taking hints? What should I do? Can I start all over again? I promise I'll do better.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Is it because I'm not doing it right or the things I'm doing aren't good enough? Can I just end this life and start fresh all over again? I promise I'll do it right this time.

Can I please?

ver219 Tại 13-10-2019 08:29:57

I'm just probably going to end it all tonight. It was way too tiring for me to bear. I tried and I tried and I tried multiple times and I just wanted to give up. I wish I could be like others. I wanted to be normal. I wanted a normal life. I wanted to have a stable job. I wanted to have a small circle of friends who I trust and can share my stories with. I wanted to have a dream and I wanted to make it work. I wanted to make plans I could follow. I wanted to be normal. I wanted you. But this world failed me so bad I felt in a dark abyss. I could not see anything even if I tried. It was dark and it was all I could see. People tried to approach me and I pushed them away. It was me. It was all because of me all along. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should just hang myself. Maybe I should kill myself already. Maybe it was all true along, those things they said. Maybe I should just end my life tonight.

ursus_arctos Tại 16-10-2019 16:15:04

Hey, everything will be alright. Don't be so negative like this.

ver219 Tại 17-10-2019 10:46:25

Honestly surprised seeing an unfamiliar polar bear trying to bite into a ball popped up in my house. Surprise, but pleasant.

I'm fine though, as usual, but you know the cliche 'everything will be alright' is pure bullshit right? It is a sole devoid of sense. To me, those words always come as a banal exhortation. No amount of incitement has any affect on people striving to exist. Their mind is always in a perplexing maze trying to get their way out. Even if people from the other side of the fences are shouting the escaping route, it does absolutely nothing on us blinded people.

I appreciate you stop by to say hi. I really do. But next time, if you feel the urge to inflict your opinion on what I said, I would be more than happy to get it from the comments/reply sections.

Imagine seeing a complete alien incomer abruptly appears on my dashboard, I'll have to say it's fairly weird.

ver219 Tại 22-10-2019 15:10:33

Four hours ago I felt the urge to end my life. Just two hours ago, I threw the idea out of my hand. Just like that, I am moody as hell.

I've made it xx years on this earth now. It wasn't a pleasant life but I didn't have the choice and my options were limited. I thought it would be better tomorrow, but deep down in my heart I knew too damn well it would never be even in a million years. And I was fairly fine with the idea of being an utter failure of this world.

I would care and would make time for you but you didn't even look at me. I would gift you things just to want you to have something from me but you didn't even talk to me. What happened between us? Oh wait, what "us"?

Nights I spent in my dark room crying my balls out just to stop myself from doing anything stupid, it was fucking painful.

There was actually nothing beautiful or poetic about it. You shattered my fucking heart.

ver219 Tại 27-10-2019 10:00:05

I don't even know why I was being like that.

It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can't stop. Sadness is familiar. It's comfortable and it's easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have. Yet it's addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well. And there's a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There's just a sense that this where I belong. This is how it's supposed to be.

- Marianna Paige

ver219 Tại 3-11-2019 08:25:25

The thing about him is that I cannot read him. I read everybody but I cannot read him.

There are no accurate words in my dictionary to describe him. I have tried so many times, but it has not worked for me and I am still trying to find the correct attitude to talk about him. It is hard work but I am not complaining.

I like him as a person and I cherish the friendship we have. He is the quiet type and he acts upon his words. You will see him spacing out often five minutes into conversation. I love when he does that. It means that he is comfortable being around me and it entrusts the bond that we are sharing. I love it when he tells me what is going on in his life. I love it when he does things that are uncharacteristic for him. I love it when he makes me laugh without realizing it. I love it when he, involuntarily, makes me weak.

...

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
Cause I built my life around you"

"I imagine death so much it feels like a memory"

"Everything is black. There's nothing cheerful in anything. All I could see was death. For instance, I'd say what's the use of getting up, what's the use of eating, I'm only gonna die someday, anyway. What's the use of doing anything? Because it's pointless. It's all gonna end in death. Whether I arrange to do it to myself or whether I just sit it out."

ver219 Tại 6-11-2019 00:11:02

Because nothing ever changes right? And that we all need love to survive.

That's bullshit. But I live the same way. It bothers me that I cannot control what I feel. I have this fire living within me that keeps on burning and sometimes it gets out of my control. It's weird. My mind says I'm okay, I'm totally fine; I'm doing alright. My goddamned heart drags on its drama thirsting for attention. I hate it. I hate everything that I am.

The other day I met a worker from an old restaurant I used to work with. She invited me for lunch, I had the evening free so I agreed. We settled at a well-known place outside the city. I went out to make a few phone calls and was back within less than 10 minutes. When I was about to sit down, she said: "Hey, I remember you like beef bourguignon so I ordered it for you. What do you want to drink?" I was like, what? I mean, I'm not mad. In fact, I was glad she remembered something I said years ago. But why did I have that burning feeling again? Like, it doesn't like it when someone does something without its consent or against its will. It's crazy, man, it really is. In my mind, I know damn well it's no biggie. It's nothing to argue about. She was just being nice. Don't be like that. I kept telling myself to sit down because there was something inside rushing me to get out of there.

Fortunately, I sat down and managed to let out a smile. I said thank you and proceeded to order from the wine menu. I left my card to the server while pretending to go to the loo. She left the tips. We both left satisfied with the food. It was good catching up with old people that I enjoyed having them around. She told me she was working as a higher-up position at a hospital and that if I needed anything, don't hesitate to give her a call. I was grateful but I don't think I would do such thing.

She is a good person, she is too good for me. She deserves a better friend than me.

ver219 Tại 6-11-2019 23:31:41

I got out of school early and managed to spend a day with her yesterday.

A complete hectic is a comment I want to begin with. No breaks in between and it was pretty much running around in her car. We parked illegally and made her back seats into a mobile office. She had chips and ginger ale for breakfast, lunch, and pretty much dinner as well. I was accompanying her so obviously I was having the same thing. In fact, before meeting up with her, I had had chips and cookies already.

We spent the first two hours arranging what to do and figured out the fastest route to get to multiple locations in a timely manner. People kept calling her while she was driving and eating chips at the same time. You'd be amazed at how skillful she was at maneuvering her way on the road and still managed to multitask. I was sitting at the passenger seat and observing her working. She got skinner than the last time I saw her. The bags under her eyes were visibly bad. I honestly wanted to help her out though I believed she would be happier to have me go with her instead of separating our ways.

We had long talks about whole lots of things. I thought it was an alright day. I thought I would be going home and had a long good sleep. That was just what I hoped. But everyone with a sane mind would know that shit happened when you were least expected; and yes it did.

I stopped by one of her restaurant and encountered my co-workers. They were surprised seeing me and asked me how I was doing. Small talks, I hated it. One of the guy asked me a couple of personal questions. I considered the time we worked together and gave him vague answers that I thought would be enough for him. However, at always, they started berating. For. Fuck's. Sake. "Why do I have to deal with these jerks?" I thought.

I said goodbyes to them and left. Sitting in my car feeling uncomfortable, I started talking to myself. I could feel I came this close to carry it out. And I got a message from dad.

I drove home still frustrated, struggling to sleep.
trang: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 [9] 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
Phiên bản đầy đủ: [Other] Những Ngày Không Vui